That Damned Engineer

THAT DAMNED ENGINEER

Larry Fagel - September, 1995

One day, three professionals - a Lawyer, a Doctor of Medicine, and an Engineer - appeared before Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

The first to step forward was the Lawyer who, with confidence and self assurance, proceeded to deliver an eloquent address which left Saint Peter dazed and bewildered. Before the venerable saint could recover from that verbal onslaught, the Lawyer handed him a writ of mandamus, pushed him aside, and strode through the open portal.

Next came the Doctor. With dignified bearing, he introduced himself by title and name. Saint Peter received him cordially and said "I feel I already know you because of many of your former patients who have preceded you, some of whom, by the way, arrived here well ahead of schedule. Welcome to Paradise."

The Engineer, modest and diffident, had remained in the background until Saint Peter finally beckoned him forward. "I'm a problem solver" blurted the Engineer, "and I am happiest when I am occupied with a challenging job. What kind of work will you have for me here?" Saint Peter shook his head. "I am very sorry" he replied. "This is Heaven, and no one works here. If you want a job, you can go to Hell."

The Engineer's head snapped up at the unexpected but all-to-familiar last part of that reply. But then with just a trace of a grin he remarked, "Very well, if that's the way it is. I must admit though, I had never considered it as an opportunity." Whereupon, he turned and departed.

Not very long after that, strange reports began to reach Saint Peter. Some of the celestial denizens, who occasionally would amuse themselves by looking down upon the unfortunate creatures in the inferno, commenced asking for transfers to that other domain. Also, many new arrivals, after seeing both places, selected the Nether Region for their permanent abode. Puzzled, Saint Peter sent one of his Angels on a scouting mission to Hell in order to determine what was going on and to report those findings back to him.

"It's all because of that Engineer you sent there," reported the Angel. "He has completely transformed the place. He has harnessed the energy of the Fiery Furnaces, converted it into an infinite supply of electrical power, and then used that electricity to run refrigeration that air-conditions the entire place. He has drained the Lakes of Brimstone and has replaced the acrid odors that had engulfed them with cool, perfumed breezes. He has erected bridges across the Bottomless Abyss and has bored tunnels through the Obsidian Cliffs. He has created gardens, parks and playgrounds, lakes and rivers, and beautiful waterfalls. That Engineer you sent down there has gone through Hell and made it a realm of comfort and pleasure."

"Well," exclaimed Saint Peter, "that is a surprise. I expect that everyone down there is ecstatic about this turn of events." "All but the Engineer," replied the Angel. "He appears to be despondent, because now he has nothing more to do."

"I guess that's to be expected," said Saint Peter. "He's a strange fellow, isn't he? But now he's finally going to have to adjust to inactivity. I'm sure of that." "Oh, I wouldn't bet on it," the Angel remarked. "The last time I saw him, he was pecking at the keyboard of his PC. I asked him what he was doing, and he looked up at me and answered: "Why, I'm updating my resume, of course."